The Death of a Loved One

Joey's dad died a few weeks ago. He was 92. Joey's mom had died several years ago, leaving Joe Sr. to look after Joey. The youngest of five children, Joey had lived with his parents all his life. His older brother moved in with Joey and his increasingly frail dad to help out over a year ago. The family had never intended Joey to be placed in a group home, despite the fact that Joey is not always the easiest person to care for. Even though Joey was (and still is) constantly taking and stuffing things into his pockets - papers, old napkins, tennis balls etc.; compulsive about many activities and determined to do things his own way; and even occasionally would lock his parents in their bedroom, his parents nonetheless delighted in him.

Joey has a nice singing voice and loves to harmonize. He enjoys all kinds of music, from opera to rock and roll, and sings the melodies lustily, without knowing any specific words. A while ago our talented IT staff and one man orchestra, Jim, brought his guitar and Joey down to my office. Jim wanted me to hear Joey sing the Elvis song "Are You Lonesome Tonight?" Knowing this would be a treat, I recorded it on my iphone, downloaded it on my computer, and occasionally will listen to it just for the joy and simplicity of Joey's singing. He has the rhythm perfectly down, the melody exact, the inflection and approximation of words, and the pathos spot on. Where Elvis would embellish the music by speaking, Joey again approximates the sounds, pausing precisely as Elvis would. One would assume Joey wouldn't know of what he is singing. But how can he get it so right? Joey certainly understands something of the song's context and is very able to translate that to the listener.

Joey's parents were very proud of his musical talents. They loved to hear Joey sing and made sure he had access to many different styles of music. They laughed and cherished his many peculiar and compulsive behaviors, though many surely must have compromised their lives. Joey must wonder, where are they now, these two people who loved him so deeply? While he seems to be adjusting well - his brother makes sure his lunches are the same, his longtime caretaker, Hector is still involved, and home life is the usual routine, we want to watch carefully to help Joey for those inevitable times he will realize something is missing in his life. Everyone experiences grief differently, and people with autism are no exception. It may manifest itself in some unusual way, but I believe it is in their hearts somewhere. Maybe Joey will connect with his parents through his songs. I'd like to think that when he sings, they would be listening.