Moving Into a Group Home, Episode 2

Two weeks ago, one of our adult clients, Jane, made a hastily arranged move into a group home. Jane and her mother had been experiencing more than their typical problems and Jane's mom finally realized she couldn't do this anymore. At the same time, the staff in our program had noticed a deterioration in Jane's behavior, reminiscent of a previous time when her medication dosages were part of the problem. Jane was supposed to be responsible for taking her daily medication, but occasionally would either refuse or forget. When this same set of behaviors occurred previously, Jane had to be hospitalized to achieve stability with her meds. Now that she has been placed in a group home, her medication is being monitored closely. As a result,  Jane is back to her normal quirky self and seemingly, very happy. And she announces each day that she loves her group home. Hopefully, its not just the honeymoon period!

I'm old enough to remember the days of the 'snake pit' institutions that housed people with developmental disabilities and mental illness, often all lumped into the same categories and therefore sharing the same space, however inappropriate and inadequate. I remember visiting a state hospital while still in college in the early seventies and being horrified by what I saw. So, I certainly understand the reluctance of some of our parents who also remember those miserable days and are determined never to place their beloved child in such a situation.  Fortunately, I believe things have changed for the better. People are living more within communities and being given the opportunity to participate more in the activities that their families and friends do.

So, what I've noted about the students/clients who have been placed in group homes over the last 10 years is a positive shift. Those students who have been placed have done surprisingly well. One of our students was so rigid that even going into a different classroom was a major undertaking on the part of the staff to prepare him. So, when his relatively young father died, his family decided they had to place him. I could hardly imagine it happening without hearing about it on the 5 o'clock news. But to my surprise, it went incredibly smoothly. And that has been the story in general with group home placements of late. Because the group home staff have time to focus on the clients, the clients are often able to do many more things than they were able to as part of a family. By this I mean that any family life is ever changing where the brother's or sister's piano lessons, soccer practice, tutoring, mom or dad's late meeting are often emblematic of the constant change. A fairly predictable daily schedule is the norm for the group home. And frequently, the group homes are able to take trips to places like Disneyland, snow trips, and always Las Vegas, though that one escapes me.

The other notable fact is that the clients tend to lose weight, but in a good way. Their food intake is monitored carefully, they never seem to feel deprived, and their level of exercise and physical activity increases. They can't sneak into the pantry when mom's on the phone or distracted in some other way.

Once a child is placed in the group home, parents of course continue to be very much a part of their lives and spend time with their child - usually as much as they want. Many of our students go home for weekends or join their parent for dinner several times a week. We have a parent who comes once a week to join her son for lunch here at school and often on weekends, the family has him at home. While initially, he didn't understand why his mom was leaving, he has come to accept the routine and the two of them have some lovely moments together.

No question, making a decision to place a child is monumental for any family and I'm certainly not advocating group home placements over home. But it is with some relief that I can report my observations that most group homes are run very well and the people running them seem to genuinely care for the clients. So, when that day comes, parents can have a sense that a placement is not abandonment - it is an inevitable passage and better to be a part of the decision and know the choices than to have to make a decision too quickly.

Moving to a Group Home

Clearly one of the most agonizing decisions a parent has to make is when and how to place their child with autism (or any other significant disability). This morning, we got a call from a distressed single parent, overwhelmed by the needs of her adult daughter, Jane. Over the years, Jane's mom has carefully explored the options for her daughter, but even in very difficult times, still decided to keep her daughter at home. Like so many other parents, she has concerns about her daughter's safety. She also knows no one will care for Jane in the same way she does. Who will talk with Jane when she is in a bad mood and not get frustrated with her? Who will help Jane get through her sometimes difficult behavioral periods that can last days at a time? Will her new caretakers enjoy Jane's quirky humor and delight in her simple pleasures? This is the stuff of nightmares for many parents!

Earlier this year, one of our older clients (43 years) was placed in a group home by his widowed mom, again after long and careful consideration on her part. Always anxious in the best of times, Hank was undone by the thought of change. As he is always quite verbal and worried about any change, Hank would say heartrending things like "my mother doesn't love me anymore" or "I'll never see her again." Needless to say, this didn't help his distraught mother one bit, as she already had tremendous guilt in placing him. So, it took much reassurance to both parent and child that both would survive. And we had to assure the mom we would carefully monitor Hank's demeanor, dress, food - all those things that might indicate any issues. She had many tearful calls to us after placing him, and at times, vacillated. But when provided support for her decision and assurance that our watchful eyes would keep track of how things were for Hank, both he and his mom have settled into a contented acceptance of their situations.

But back to Jane and her mom. Although not the ideal way to make such a big decision, Jane's mom was feeling particularly desperate this morning, and called her long time social worker as well as our staff, and said it had to happen today. She and her daughter had come to a point where living together was beyond what the mom could do. Amazingly enough, the social worker knew of an opening in an appropriate home, and arranged for Jane to go there today. Jane's mom is bringing  her things tot he group home and one of our directors particularly close to Jane has accompanied Jane to this new place. At first when Jane heard about this, she was delighted, mostly because she knew she would get to see a golden retriever of the social worker, which she loves. But the dog won't be staying at the house, so that is when we will have an idea if this will just be for the weekend or beyond. Not an easy day for either Jane or her mom, and not going to be an easy weekend.

A New Year's Resolution...2012

Watching TV, internet or reading the newspapers, we are bombarded with 2011 lists, based on whomever's opinions; 10 best/worst movies, 50 most significant events, 75 topics most discussed, etc. Just who are these people anyway who make up these lists, and why should we assume their opinions are ours? But more importantly, what do these lists have to do with real people? I suppose it makes us reflect somewhat on what occupied our minds over the last year, but let's face it, its all hindsight now. And unless it makes us change our direction to not repeat mistakes, its probably better left in the past.

So, let's concentrate on moving forward. But rather than making resolutions to be forgotten in two weeks, let's take a lesson from a child with autism and learn to live in the moment. If we would practice the zen-like mindfulness of these people, we would appreciate our surroundings, smile more, give more compliments, be better focused and therefore work better, improve our sleep, minimize stress - so many upsides! Maybe even reduce wrinkles and gray hair - I'm liking this more by the minute!

Okay, so basically I'm talking about thinking positively and being present in the here and now. It sounds so easy, but we all know it will take effort, maybe significant effort, but so worthwhile. That's my hope for 2012. Happy New Year!