Valentine mystery

I first wrote about one of our adult clients, Wanda, last year and her confusion about the nuance and subtlety of social situations but the issues continue to confound her. Holidays, even minor holidays such as Valentine's Day, bring this topic to the forefront. Wanda gets very distressed because of her confusion about when and where its okay to touch others, particularly giving hugs. Wanda wants desperately to hug people. Because of her inability to distinguish circumstances of when a hug or arm around another is appropriate, she's been told various things to help her, such as its okay on a special occasion or when you see a friend after a long time. But what constitutes a 'special' occasion? And now, here we are at Valentine’s Day and to Wanda, this is a day equal to something as extraordinary as winning the lottery or something akin to that.Why shouldn't you hug everyone on Valentine's Day or even Halloween? These days are 'special' to Wanda. And if Christmas is special, why can't she hug everyone in the program? Remember for Wanda, everyone literally means everyone. To the point that she would chase staff members into the parking lot if they were leaving before she had an opportunity to hug them. Needless to say, that became a bit too much, in addition to being dangerous. Wanda is so single minded, she was unaware of moving cars, being so intent on catching her yet-to-be-hugged person. So, we had to modify and try to further explain that one. Now, mind you, this is something that Wanda and I - and others - have talked about with her before, in fact quite extensively over the years. But it still doesn't make sense to her. Social occasions are an enigma for her, and it is impossible to explain every situation that might occur, because there will always be an exception to the rule. And the problem with hugging is not only when you should offer hugs, but to whom? Understanding the subtlety of social relationships, the nuance of body language is completely baffling.

For Wanda, every new situation is frustratingly mysterious requiring explanations and general rules as each one is different and she doesn't generalize from one circumstance to another. Yet, she tries very hard to maintain her composure and very good manners and would be mortified and deeply saddened to find out someone was put off by her behavior. When I first wrote about this last year, Wanda was in yet another new situation of confusion, this time involving the university where she attends a conversation clinic with other clients in our program. Wanda wanted to hug the student interns from the university each time she saw them, which was twice a week before and after each of the sessions. This was becoming an obsession and making the interns uncomfortable. Once again, we had to go through the explanation of why and when and hope that some part would make sense to her. Wanda had many questions about her observations of others, but why and when were those appropriate and her attempts not. To Wanda, it seems so unfair. She agonizes about her own internal conflict of trying to do the 'right' thing with others, while wishing she could freely act on her own compulsions. It starts off so innocently: people usually are kind and will willingly let themselves be hugged by such a sincere and eager person as Wanda is. But this quickly can change as the intensity and insistence of her hugging increases to the point of being awkward. And then the rules have to be reiterated once again.

I have tried to help Wanda understand the difference between friends and family and

people who work with her. I explained that I don't hug staff members very often even on

special occasions because we all work together and we see one another daily. Does she get

it? Over this last year it seemed we made some progress on her understanding and

acceptance of what was said. Wanda has been able to give me a summary of what we have

discussed these many times. But I know better. I know that someone somewhere will

break Wanda's understanding of the rules and hug another someone, and for Wanda, it

will be another brand new situation.