the mystery of nuance

Last week, one of our adult clients, Wanda, was very distressed because of her confusion about when and where its okay to touch others, particularly giving hugs. Wanda wants desperately to hug people. Because of her inability to distinguish circumstances of when a hug or arm around another is appropriate, she's been told various things to help her, such as its okay on a special occasion or when you see a friend after a long time. But what constitutes a 'special' occasion?Social occasions are an enigma for her, and it is impossible to explain every situation that might occur, because there will always be an exception to the rule. And the problem is not only when you should offer hugs, but to whom? Why shouldn't you hug everyone on Valentine's Day or Halloween? Those days are 'special' to Wanda. And if Christmas is special, why can't she hug everyone in the program, (remembering that for Wanda, everyone literally means everyone. To the point where she would chase staff members into the parking lot if she did not get an opportunity to hug them. Needless to say, that became a bit too much, in addition to being dangerous. Wanda is so single minded, she was unaware of moving cars, being so intent on catching her yet to be hugged person.) So, we had to modify and try to further explain that one. Now, mind you, this is something that Wanda and I - and others - have talked about before, in fact quite extensively over the years. But it still doesn't make sense to her. Understanding the subtlety of social relationships, the nuance of body language is completely baffling to her.

So, when I met with Wanda last week, she was in tears about yet another situation that was frustratingly mysterious. Every new situation requires explanations and general rules because each one is different and Wanda doesn't generalize from one circumstance to another. Yet, she tries very hard to maintain her composure and very good manners and would be mortified and deeply saddened to find out someone was put off by her behavior. So here she was, in a new situation, this time involving the university where she attends a conversation clinic with other clients in our program. Wanda wants to hug the student interns from the university each time she sees them, which is twice a week before and after the sessions. This was becoming an obsession and making the interns uncomfortable. Once again, we had to go through the explanation of why and when and hope that some part will make sense to her. She had many questions about her observations of others, but why and when were those appropriate and her attempts not. To Wanda, it seems so unfair. She agonizes about her own internal conflict of trying to do the 'right' thing with others, while wishing she could freely act on her own compulsions.

I tried to help her understand the difference between friends and family and people who work with her. I explained that I don't hug staff members very often even on special occasions because we all work together and we see one another daily. Did she get it? Her tears slowly subsided as it seemed we made some progress on her understanding and acceptance of what I said. She was able to give me a summary of what we came to after our long chat. But I know better. I know that someone somewhere will break Wanda's understanding of the rules and hug another someone, and for Wanda, it will be another brand new situation.